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Mixed Marriages - Another view
Joseph A. Edelheit | Arthur Meth

The following are extracts taken from an article entitled "Accepting Non-Jews as Members of the Synagogue", published in the Journal of Reform Judaism, Vol. XXVII, No. 3, Summer 1980. This journal is the organ of the Central Conference of American Rabbis and we reproduce these extracts with the kind permission of the Editor.

The problem of mixed marriages is by no means new. Ezra dealt with it after the return from the first exile (Ezra 10:1-4), and there have been continuing debates on the subject throughout Jewish history. The modern statistics, too, are well known. In the United States, until 1960, the rate of Jewish intermarriage stayed well below 10%. From 1961-1965, the rate rose to 17.4%. From 1966-1972, it rose again to 31.7%. The 1979 rate is probably about 35%. Couple these figures with the increased ignorance of Jewish affairs and reduced involvement in synagogue and community and we know that we are faced with a major crisis.

The Lived Experience of a community

The experience of Sinai Temple in Michigan City may be of more than some interest in any discussion of mixed marriage (Jew and non-Jew) and intermarriage (Jew and one who has accepted Judaism). As of November 1978, of a total of 170 families in the community, 21 were mixed married and 16 were intermarried. Thus, 21.2% of the congregation were either mixed or intermarried. These seemingly impersonal statistics prompted real debate, dissension and confusion within the community. Hard personal questions had to be answered: "You mean that I can remain a member of the congregation but my new wife cannot be a member? I was born in this community and I want my children to have the same religious experiences that I had." "My husband is not interested in becoming Jewish, but I want him to know and participate in the Temple." "Rabbi, can my wife (not Jewish) bless the candles the night we sponsor the Oneg Shabbat?"

Sinai Temple was faced with the reality and the need to integrate non-Jewish partners into the Jewish community. While holding the official congregational ban against the solemnization of mixed marriages by the rabbi on Temple premises, we sought to embrace, not reject, these mixed married couples. While to some this attitude may seem to be contradictory, it is well within Jewish tradition, Reform practice and the decisions of the Central Conference of America Rabbis.

The tradition of the integration of the non-Jew into the Jewish community in which he is resident is exemplified by the concept of the ger toshav, in which a non-Jew in a limited sense becomes part of the community. Though this concept may not fit the ancient definitions, there are broad similarities to our present problem of non-Jews married into our Jewish community.

The 1977 CCAR Convention at Grossingers adopted a resolution dealing with the reality of mixed marriage and the new extended Jewish family. In December 1978, Rabbi Alexander Schindler in an address to the UAHC Board of Trustees challenged them to face up to the reality of mixed marriage in modern Jewish life. The Board subsequently passed a resolution which called upon the Union to adopt a number of proposals — in clause 2, to develop a sensitive program of welcoming and involving "converts" to Judaism and, in clause 3, to develop an effective outreach program by which the Reform synagogue can seek out mixed married couples.

Redefining Membership

On July 19, 1978, in order to meet the real needs of its congregants, Sinai Temple adopted a new constitution. It redefined membership in the congregation to include membership of non-Jewish spouses as a unit of the family. Much discussion and education of the Board of Trustees and the congregation preceded the change. And it has required continuous education of the membership to make the change truly meaningful in terms of welcoming and integrating mixed married couples into the congregation.

Section 3 of the constitution, providing for this special category of non-Jewish membership and the rights of such members, is as follows:

Article IV. Membership

A. Any person of Jewish faith may become a member of Sinai Congregation by making application in writing thereto.

B. The unit of membership shall be the individual. In case of married couples, the husband and wife each have like duties, privileges and responsibilities of membership. Each person shall have his individual vote on all matters requiring congregational vote.

Section 1. Any person of the Jewish faith 18 years or over may be elected to membership upon approval of his or her application by a majority vote of the members of the Board of Trustees.

Section 2. (Membership classifications and definitions: i.e., Married, Junior and non-Resident).

Section 3. In the case of married persons, the membership classification shall include the family. For the purposes of this article, the family shall be construed to mean husband, wife, and their unmarried children who are not self-supporting.

A. Any married couple, in which one spouse is Jewish and the other spouse is not Jewish, or has not received a recognized certificate of conversion, who has expressed the desire to be a member of the Jewish community and who is willing to undertake the responsibilities of community affiliation, may be a member of Sinai Congregation as a unit of the family. To maintain the unity of the family and to enhance the dignity of the non-Jewish partner, he or she shall be entitled to all privileges of membership, with the following exceptions:

1) The non-Jew shall not participate in any public ritual which includes a benediction.

2) The non-Jew shall not be elected to, or accept any office of the Congregation or membership on the Board of Trustees, or the Nominating Committee.

In all matters affecting non-Jewish members, the guidance of the rabbi shall be of primary consideration

Section 4. Members shall have the right to vote on all matters coming before meetings of the congregation. The privilege of voting shall be vested in the individual. In the case of a family, husband and wife shall each have one vote.

With the positive and formal acceptance of membership for mixed married couples, the rabbi began a series of programs to stimulate their full integration into the congregation and into Jewish family life. The rabbi and his wife taught a course together in their home to several couples on Jewish observances. This was in no way an attempt to encourage any of the non-Jews to become Jews. Rather, it was accepted that those spouses, who were mostly women, were interested in Judaism for the welfare of their families. The course covered home observances of the Shabbat, Holy Days and Festivals. Ritual objects, festival food recipes and activities associated with festivals were explained and distributed.

It should be emphasized that more than a simple constitutional change is required to integrate the mixed married couple into the congregation. This requires the active cooperation of the lay leadership and the rabbi. The process of integrating the non-Jewish spouse into the community has not, in our experience, become a tacit encouragement of mixed marriage or the first step towards the solemnization of such marriages by the rabbi.

Recognition of the special needs of mixed married couples is the first step towards understanding. Recognition of the non-Jewish spouse as part of his or her family and the importance of maintaining the unity of that family must be understood and respected by all members of the Jewish community. This is more than simple derech eretz or tolerance. The future of many of our smaller city congregations may depend upon it. Hopefully, it may also show all congregations, large or small, how to confront and overcome a pressing and growing problem of Jewish life everywhere.